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The Clawfice

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The Clawfice is a take-off of NBC's the Office and is spoofed with the X-Men.

This segment is from MAD Season 1, Episode 25: Ribbitless / The Clawfice.

Summary

There is only one man tough enough to run the Office, and that is Wolverine from the X-Men!

References

Characters

  • James Duncan "Jim" Halpert
  • Pamela Morgan "Pam" Halpert
  • Joleen MaryAnn "Jo" Bennett
  • Andrew "Andy" Baines Bernard
  • Oscar Jual Paul Martinez
  • Wolverine
  • Storm
  • Ryan Bailey Howard
  • Cyclops
  • Phyllis Margaret Vance
  • Kelly Rajnigandha Kapoor
  • Dwight Kurt Schrute III
  • Jean Grey
  • Nightcrawler
  • Rogue
  • Meredith Elizabeth Palmer
  • Iceman
  • Angela Noelle Martin
  • Beast
  • Stanley James Hudson
  • Magneto

Transcript

(Scene starts with the cast of the Office sitting in chairs. Also in the background we can hear telephones ringing.)

(Jim walks in the room)

Jim Halpert: What's going on?

Pamela Morgan: Video conference.

Jo Bennett: (On monitor) Sit down, Jim. I've got some news. Ever since Michael left, we haven't found a suitable replacement, so I'm merging you guys with the Westchester Office.

(The people start to wonder and get worry. Also the scene zooms on Andy Bernard)

Jo Bennett: Their team leader seems like a good fit.

Oscar Martinez: I didn't know there was a Westchester branch.

(Somebody claws the door from the outside and then breaks it to reveal Wolverine... the beginning of a mutant mess in the office!)

Wolverine: There's a lot you don't know, bud, which is why we're slashing jobs.

(Wolverine picks up Oscar and throws him out the window)

Oscar Martinez: Uh. Ahh!

Wolverine: (Panting)

(Scene goes to Pamela and Jim looking scared while Wolverine is breathing)

(Scene goes to Jim Halpert in an alone room)

Jim Halpert: I can't wait to see what they're gonna call this mess.

(The scene goes around to see the setting of the place while the theme song plays)

(Wolverine inside his office slides a trophy of himself on the desk)

(Scene then goes to a sign with a man and another man in a wheelchair and then to the title card "The Clawfice" with Wolverine slashing it once)

Wolverine: Everybody, meet the Westchester Team.

(Scene goes to the X-Men team)

Jim Halpert: The X-Men? You guys sell paper, too?

Storm: Uh, it's called Xavier's School for the Gifted. Selling paper just happens to be one of our "gifts".

Wolverine: Plus I'm 150 years old. Do you know how many jobs I've had?

Ryan Howard: No, I don't.

(Cyclops shoots laser out of his mask and it hits Ryan, destroying him and leaving a hole in the wall)

Wolverine: In the world of sales, you've got to know things. You also have to hustle and be able to control the weather.

Phyllis Lapin-Vance: Uh, how does that help with...

(Storm summons a lightning onto Phyllis, shocking her)

Phyllis Lapin-Vance: No further questions.

Wolverine: So here's the deal. Whichever team outperforms the other team gets to stay.

(Scene goes to Kelly Kapoor in an alone room)

Kelly Kapoor: At this point I don't even want to stay. But that Cyclops is cute.

(Scene resumes to Wolverine in another room)

Wolverine: Let the games begin.

(Scene goes to Pamela near a print machine)

Pamela Halpert: Paper jam!

(Jim comes with a screwdriver to fix it)

(Dwight Schrute runs in)

Pamela Halpert: I need this to go to shipping.

(Dwight runs with paper)

(Scene goes to X-Men team)

Jean Grey: I need a staple remover.

(Wolverine cuts it and removes staple)

(Nightcrawler jumps in)

Jean Grey: I need this to go to New York.

(Nightcrawler poofs out of existence, all the way to New York)

(Scene goes to Rogue and Storm)

Storm: Rogue, touch one of them so you can absorb their knowledge of the office.

(Rogue touches Meredith Palmer and absorbs her)

Rogue: Suddenly I'm depressed. I don't feel like doing anything.

Meredith Palmer: Honey, come with me. I've got just the thing.

(Scene goes to Andy and Iceman)

Andy Bernard: You'd like 37 orders? Excellent.

Iceman: Better freeze him in his tracks so I can catch up.

(Angela Martin runs in)

Angela Martin: Forget it, pal. I'll give you a cold stare like you've never seen before.

(Angela begins her cold stare which freezes Iceman. Ouch!)

(Scene goes to Stanley Hudson and Beast doing crossword puzzles)

Beast: You know, I've never been able to finish one of these.

Stanley Hudson: Probably 'cause you're working too hard. Gotta spend more time focusing your thoughts.

(Scene goes to Wolverine in an alone room... with Jim)

Wolverine: My team is getting destroyed!

Jim Halpert: Actually, it's a lot cuter if you say it like this: "Can you believe my team is getting destroyed?" (Shrugs hands)

Wolverine: (Facepalm) Aargh! You even give testimonies better than us.

(Scene goes to Cyclops without his visor)

Cyclops: (While knocking stuff down) Where's my visor? Where's my visor?

(Scene goes to Dwight Schrute wearing Cyclop's visor in an alone room)

Dwight Schrute: I've written enough Sci-fi fan fiction to know when a cool trade is in order.

(Scene resumes to Dwight's glasses on table)

Cyclops: Oh, here it is.

(Cyclops picks up Dwight's glasses and automatically shoots laser out of his eyes, making a destruction on his team's property.)

X-Men Team: (Screaming)

(Scene sees a boom in front and when it goes away, we see Nightcrawler holding a surrunder flag for the X-Men team)

Wolverine: Well, I guess I know who my new team is.

(Scene goes to the Office cast wearing costumes with hero/success music playing)

(Scene goes to Wolverine in an along room)

Wolverine: But let's face it, those members rotate so often, who can keep track?

(Scene resumes to Wolverine and the New X-Men team. Also hero/success music is still playing)

Wolverine: Never forget, your job is to sell paper, take inventory, and of course, defeat Magneto.

New X-Men Team (Office Cast): What?

(Scene goes to Magneto appearing and getting ready to attack)

New X-Men Team (Office Cast): AAH! IT'S MAGNETO!

(Back to Wolverine in an alone room.)

Wolverine: That's what she said.

(Segment ends)

Trivia

  • When Jo Bennett spoke in the Video, she had a dog behind her.
  • In this segment, Wolverine was wearing a tie.
  • The two people who were fired or eliminated from the Office was Oscar and Ryan.
  • In all, there were seven scenes where people spoke in an alone room.
  • The sign at the door says Munder Difflin. However in the Office, it says Dunder Mifflin.
  • The cup Wolverine had near the beginning at the title where he put a trophy of himself said "World's Angriest Boss."
  • At the title, Wolverine cut off part of the e in "Clawfice."
  • In all, three people from the Office got hurt, Oscar, Ryan and Phyllis.
  • There was eight (including Wolverine) X-Men members vs. nine Office Members.
  • When Wolverine grabbed Oscar, Wolverine's right glove was blue instead of yellow.
  • How did MAD get away with saying "That's what she said"? WE WANT ANSWERS! NOW!
  • Antagonist: Magneto
  • Although Storm said that selling paper just has to be one of the X-Men's "gifts", it really isn't.

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