Star Blecch
Video of Segment
Star Blecch is a take-off of Star Trek.
This segment is from MAD Season 1, Episode 4: Star Blecch / uGlee.
Summary[]
Can Captain Jerk put aside his differences with Mr. Schlock to save Earth?
References[]
- Star Wars
- Schlock
- Ice Age
- Gene Roddenberry
- Ben 10
- Megan Fox
- Pirates of the Caribbean (possibly)
MAD References[]
- Rejected Toy Story 3 Characters (5-second Cartoon)
- Gossip Hurl (5-second Cartoon)
- Beauty Tips with Megan Fox (Channel 2 on TV)
Characters[]
- Captain Zero (Nero)
- George Kirk
- Winona Kirk
- James T. Jerk (James T. Kirk)
- Abora (Nyota Uhura)
- Montgomery Scott
- Thugs
- Captain Christopher Pike
- Schlock (Spock)
- Slack-off (Pavel Chekov)
- Toodle-oo (Hikaru Sulu)
- Amanda Grayson (Ate romulan for lunch)
- S'chn T'gai Sarek
- Manny
- Sid
- Diego
- Luke Skywalker
- Wampa
- R2-D2
- Future Schlock (He hates the Star Blecch DVD)
- Bizz the Friendly Fax (5-second Cartoon)
- Girl from Gossip Hurl (5-second Cartoon)
Transcript[]
[The segment begins with everyone aboard the Federation starship USS Kelvin currently under attack by the Romulan super-mining vessel Narada, screaming and panicking, with everything going kablooie. Captain Zero appears on screen.]
Captain Zero: USS Kelvin, (shows Captain Richard's dead body with a crunch) I killed your captain and left your ship plummeting towards destruction.
1st Officer George Kirk: Let's do this-- [his phone rings] Honey, I'm right in the middle of somethin'.
Winona Kirk: But I'm about to deliver our babeeeee...
[they both start to struggle, then Winona has her baby taken out and George finishes going to the bathroom]
George Kirk: Whew. Last time I eat Romulan for lunch.
Winona Kirk: The ship's gonna crash!
George Kirk: Ohh! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
Winona Kirk: You have to make it.
George Kirk: Don't know if I can... it's out of control! [SHIP STATUS: OUT OF CONTROL] Say goodbye to our son for me!
Winona Kirk: I'll send you his picture! [She takes a picture of the baby's face.]
George Kirk: [SHIP STATUS: NICE :)] I did it! I regained control of the ship. I'm alive!
[Comms chirped. George opens his phone looks at his son's face in it, revealing to be... *record scratch* Alfred E. Newman?! Caption: UR A DADDY! ;)]
George Kirk: The heck I am.
[Out of second thoughts, George slams the Self-Destruct button, causing the USS Kelvin to go BOOM! with him. The title card appears, Star Blecch]
[IOWA, 20 YEARS LATER]
James T. Jerk: Hi, I'm James T. Jerk.
Abora: I'm Abora!
James T. Jerk: [yawn] You're telling me.
Montgomery Scott: This jerk needs to be taught a lesson.
James T. Jerk: For yawning?
Montgomery Scott: No! For stealing the bar scene from Star Wars!
[Two more thugs show up, they start beating up James until Captain Christopher Pike shows up]
Captain Christopher Pike: That's enough.
[one of them kicks him one more time, James gets up looking severly damaged]
Captain Christopher Pike: You should be in Starfleet instead of a bar, young man.
James T. Jerk: Why? Look where it got my father.
Captain Christopher Pike: Your father was the captain of a Starship for 12 minutes - granted he was on the toilet for ten of those, but... I dare you to do better.
James T. Jerk: Well then, pass me those nachos.
[And with that was Jerk enlisted to the USS Enterprise, flagship of Starfleet. James finishes going to the USS Enterprise's bathroom with a bagful of nachos]
James T. Jerk: Whew! That was for you, dad.
Schlock: Welcome to Starfleet. This is Slack-Off...
Slack-Off: [snore]
Schlock: Mr. Toodle-oo...
Toodle-oo: Toodle-oo!
Schlock: And I am Captain--
[Captain Zero hails the Enterprise, giving Schlock and Jerk a scare]
Captain Zero: SCHLOCK! I finally found you, and now I will destroy your home planet with my drill.
Schlock: It can do that?
[Captain Zero switches into infomercial mode.]
Captain Zero: That's not all it can do. Order now and we'll throw in this destructive red goo (shows a jar of red matter). That's the drill and the red goo for just $19.99! Plus, order in the next five minutes and we'll also throw in this free oven mitt!
James T. Jerk: I've got to destroy that drill!
Schlock: I got to save my family!
Toodle-oo: I gotta get that oven mitt!
Slack-Off: [snore]
Schlock: Energize.
[beam]
Toodle-oo: Toodle-oo!
[beam]
Amanda Grayson: Schlock!
Schlock: Mother. Father. No time to explain - this planet is going to explode.
S'chn T'gai Sarek: So's your mother - she had Romulan for lunch again.
[Poot!]
[beam]
[farts]
Amanda Grayson: Ohh, I should hit the toilet again before we go.
Schlock: Nooooo!
[Boom! Planet Vulcan (which oddly looks like Earth now) is reduced to space debris by the Narada's assault.]
Amanda Grayson: Ohh. I feel so much better.
[beam]
James T. Jerk: Hey I stopped the drill, did you save your m--
[Schlock grabs Jerk before he can finish]
Schlock: Don't say it... or I will kick you off this ship.
[A brief pause]
James T. Jerk: Mum's the word.
[Schlock incapacitates James and places him in an escape pod and jettisons him off the ship, sending him to planet Delta Vega. Jerk climbs out and dusts his hands.]
James T. Jerk: Vulcan idiot!
[A woolly mammoth scares James and runs away, soon it reveals to be Manny, Sid and Diego showing up.]
Manny: I gotta work on my greetings.
[James keeps running until he goes into a cave, then he smashes right into a mysterious person and falls down.]
James T. Jerk: Ben Kenobi?
Future Schlock: I am Schlock from the future. Zero marooned me here, forced to witness the most unspeakable act.
James T. Jerk: The destruction of your planet?
Future Schlock: No, the rest of this movie on DVD. [Pulls out the Star Blecch DVD.] Luckily, I think I found a way off this snowcone.
Luke Skywalker: Uhh, little help? Anyone?
[beam]
Schlock: I thought I kicked you off this ship.
James T. Jerk: Yeah, but someone old and wise said I'm supposed to be the captain.
Schlock: Was it Future Schlock?
James T. Jerk: No, it was Gene Roddenberry, the guy who created Star Blecch, you moron! Now move over! [kicks Schlock off the captain's chair and takes over]
Captain Zero: SCHLOCK!
Abora: Ugh. Dosen't this TV get any other channels?
[Abora changes the channel to Beauty Tips with Megan Fox, then she changes it to Ben 10 Alien Force iteration.]
Abora: Oh, good! Ben 10'!
[Captain Zero regains control of the screen, though.]
Captain Zero: SCHLOCK!!!
Schlock: This is... illogical.
Captain Zero: That I continue to stalk you?
Schlock: No, that anyone can follow the plot of this movie. We've already stolen so much from Star Wars, let's just steal the ending too.
[cut to Captain Jerk, dressed like Han Solo]
James T. Jerk: She's all yours, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home.
[With one blitzkrieg assault, Wampa and R2-D2 in an X-Wing go into the Narada, fire off two proton torpedoes into the heart of the ship then the ship explodes a lá A new Hope. Wampa and R2-D2 go back to their ship, Schlock and James high-five then Schlock turns around]
Schlock: Wow! This mission has aged the crap out of me.
Future Schlock: I am not a mirror, I am you from the future.
Schlock: Did you come back to wish me luck?
Future Schlock: No, to get my money back. This DVD sucks! [Pulls out the Star Blecch DVD again.]
James T. Jerk: Slack-Off, give him his money back. Mr. Toodle-oo, warp speed.
Toodle-oo: Toodle-oo!
[The USS Enterprise goes into Warp, going into where no man has gone before and beyond, and the segment ends]
5-second Cartoon[]
Captain Zero: SCHLOCK!
Bizz the Friendly Fax: DE-DOOT-DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!
Trivia[]
- The title is a reference to MAD Magazine issue #115 on December 1967.
- Alfred E. Neuman appeared as the baby.
- Goof: James T. Jerk was wore Han Solo outfit, until Captain Zero's ship destroyed, James T. Jerk returned to his Star Bleech outfit.
- The channels on the Enterprise TV were:
- Captain Zero
- Beauty Tips with Megan Fox
- Ben 10
- Antagonist: Captain Zero
- Protagonist: James T. Jerk
- Beauty Tips with Megan Fox would later appear as a segment in the same episode this is in.
- Note two also cause of TV-PG-L due to saying "sucks" in the end.
- This is the second segment that the name of a MAD parody is said. The first was TransBOREmores.
- When James T. Jerk says "mum's the word", this could possibly be a reference to the Pirates of the Caribbean short, "Tales of the Code: Wedlocked".