Derek Morgan and David Rossi investigate a murder mystery in Minecraft.
- Cold Case
- the Closer
- Joe Mantegna
- the Glades
- Franklin & Bash
- Mark Zuckerberg
- Perfume: The Story of a Murderer
- Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner
- David Rossi (Blown up by a second Creeper)
- Derek Morgan
- Penelope Garcia
- Jennifer "JJ" Jareau
- Sheriff Motch (Shot by arrow)
- SkyBum (Shot by arrow)
- Skeleton (Died in the sun)
- Mark Zuckerberg (Died in the sun)
- Creepers (Both blew up)
(Scene begins with the cast of "Criminal Minds" sitting at a round table)
Aaron Hotchner: I've called you all here for a very serious matter. (David Rossi raises his hand) Rossi, you have a question?
David Rossi: Yeah. (Scene zooms in on him) Are we the cast of (David Rossi holds up a magazine that says "Cold Case: Mysteries unsolved!") Cold Case or (David Rossi holds up another magazine that says "NCIS") NCIS?
(Scene goes to Derek Morgan with his jacket open)
Derek Morgan: Well, the inside of my jacket says "Criminal Minds".
(Scene goes to Penelope Garcia with her jacket open)
Penelope Garcia: Oh! I shop there, too!
(Scene goes to Aaron Hotchner)
Aaron Hotchner: Everybody, please, listen. A body was found outside a mineshaft!
(Scene goes to Jennifer Jareau)
Jennifer Jareau: A mineshaft? Wow. Sounds like the perfect case for The Closer.
(Scene goes over to Derek Morgan)
Derek Morgan: Ooh! You know who I like? Those guys from Psych.
(Scene goes to David Rossi and Aaron Hotchner)
David Rossi: Is that the one with Joe Mantegna?
(Scene goes up a little)
Aaron Hotchner: No, that's us!
David Rossi: Right. That's us. Ok. Now I get it.
(Scene backs out to show the Criminal Minds crew)
Aaron Hotchner: (Groans) Everyone, focus! (Scene slowly zooms in on Aaron Hotchner) This case is like nothing you've ever seen.
(Scene goes to David Rossi and Derek Morgan in the Minecraft world)
David Rossi: Okay, wait. Now I'm confused again. What show is this?
(Scene goes to the title card "Criminal Minecraft" underground and in blocks)
(Scene resumes with Derek Morgan and David Rossi with Sherrif Motch discussing the murder of Skybum. Also scene slowly zooms in)
Sherrif Motch: There's been a string of murders in the Minecraft community.
(Scene zooms in on Derek Morgan, David Rossi and Sherrif_Motch)
Derek Morgan: Ok. We have to canvas the area. Interview every skeleton, zombie, creeper, and griefer.
(Scene goes to the left to show Derek Morgan in front of David Rossi)
David Rossi: I have no idea what any of these words mean. Is this like a Nintendo?
(Scene goes to Nojang96 packing up his block stuff in a minecart)
Nojang96: Used to be a good neighborhood. Nice people. Lots of animals. (Scene backs out to show Derek Morgan and David Rossi plus Nojang96's house) Not anymore. I'm packing up my house moving to another junk.
(Scene goes to Derek Morgan and David Rossi)
Derek Morgan: You live right next door to someone who got killed! You must know something.
(Scene goes to Nojang96 while holding a block)
Nojang96: I'll tell you what I do know: (Scene backs out to show Derek Morgan and David Rossi and Nojang96 gets on his minecart) I'm moving to FarmVille!
(Nojang96's minecart moves forward only to stop because there were no more tracks)
Nojang96: Oop, need more track.
(Nojang96 gets off his minecart, puts on one track and gets back on and continues but stops because there is no more track)
Nojang96: Oop, need more track.
(Scene goes to David Rossi and Derek Morgan in a cave talking to somebody)
Derek Morgan: Sir, have you seen (Scene backs out to show a skeleton being interviewed by Derek Morgan and David Rossi) anything strange?
Skeleton: You know, I didn't think anything of it at the (Scene zooms in on him) time, but yes, I did. (Skeleton begins to walk) Follow me.
(Scene goes to the Skeleton walking out of the cave and pointing over the horizon)
Skeleton: You see, right down there-
(Skeleton began to burn)
Skeleton: Oh! Oh, no! I forgot, I DIE IN THE SUN!
(Skeleton dies in the sun and leaves behind a bone and arrow)
(Scene zooms in on David Rossi and Derek Morgan)
David Rossi: Huh. I bet those guys in (David Rossi holds up a magazine that says "The Glades") The Glades never interviewed a skeleton.
(Scene goes to David Rossi and Derek Morgan back to the yellow line zone talking to Sherrif_Motch)
Derek Morgan: So, here's what we've got. (Scene zooms in on Derek Morgan) We know it wasn't a griefer, because none of the victims were robbed. And we know it wasn't a creeper because there’s no sign of explosions.
(Scene goes to David Rossi sounding scared)
David Rossi: We know it wasn't a spider because there's one right there, and I'm too scared to ask it.
(Scene backs out to show a Spider hissing at David Rossi. David Rossi backs away from it)
David Rossi: Aah! (David Rossi hides behind Derek Morgan)
(Scene zooms in on Sherrif Motch)
Sherrif Motch: Well, if you guys can't figure it out who did it, then I guess I'll just call Franklin & Bash.
(Arrow goes through Sherrif_Motch killing him and scene goes to David Rossi and Derek Morgan)
David Rossi: That ain't right.
Derek Morgan: He deserved better?
(Scene zooms in on David Rossi)
David Rossi: No, I mean (David Rossi holds up a magazine that says "Franklin & Bash - They're lawyers!") Franklin & Bash. They're lawyers, not investigators. So, ha, in your face!
(Scene goes to the right to show Derek Morgan pointing at something)
Derek Morgan: There he is! Freeze! Drop the bow!
(Scene goes to a mysterious black figure holding a bow and arrow and when he steps towards them it turns out to be Mark Zuckerberg)
(Scene goes to David Rossi and Derek Morgan)
David Rossi: Mark Zuckerberg? You've been killing everyone?
Derek Morgan: But why? What do you have against Minecraft?
(Scene goes to Mark Zuckerberg)
Mark Zuckerberg: I don't want to live in a world where millions of people are wasting their time... on something other than Facebook.
(Scene goes back to Derek Morgan and David Rossi, Derek Morgan is seen holding his phone)
Derek Morgan: Huh? Oh, sorry. (Scene goes to Derek Morgan's phone screen) I was updating my profile.
(Scene goes to Mark Zuckerberg)
Mark Zuckerberg: Yes, I win! (Mark Zuckerberg laughs as we walks out to the sun) Aah! I forgot, I die in the sun!!
(Mark Zuckerberg burns to death in the sun and leaves behind a wad of cash)
(Scene goes to Derek Morgan)
Derek Morgan: Well, we did it, Rossi. Rossi?
(Scene goes to David Rossi)
David Rossi: Hey, look! (Scene backs out to show a structure made out of blocks made out of wood, wooden planks, and cobblestone) I built a house! (Creeper walks by David Rossi) Plus, I made this new friend.
(The Creeper explodes, destroying David Rossi's house)
(Scene backs out to show a depressed David Rossi and smoke coming out from the explosion)
David Rossi: Aww, I lost my house and my friend. (Another Creeper walks by David Rossi. The scene zooms in on them) Oh, look, a new friend!
(Creeper explodes and the scene goes to the "Game Over" screen, killing David Rossi instantly, and the segment ends)
- Antagonist: Mark Zuckerberg (again)
- A running gag is that Criminal Minds is mistaken for other detective shows.
- David Rossi asked Derek Morgan if Minecraft was like a Nintendo, however it is unknown which Nintendo system he was talking about, it may be that Kevin Shinick doesn't know the names of any of the Nintendo systems besides Wii.
- For some reason, Spencer Reid, despite being in every episode of Criminal Minds so far, does not appear in this skit.
- In ths skit, seven people die from arrows, the sun, and Creepers.
- Mark died in the sun too, but the Skeleton screamed because he dies in the sun.
- Mark Zuckerberg's role could be based off of Herobrine, a character made up in a horror story about Minecraft called "creepypasta". It was said that Herobrine was a character that went around and killed players in the game.
- Sheriff Motch's name is a parody of Markus Persson (commonly known as Notch), the creator of Minecraft and also the founder of Mojang AB, which was Nojang96's name was a parody of.
- This sketch is a reminiscent to Perfume: The Story of a Murderer when Jean-Baptiste Grenouille killed 13 women to make his own perfume, in this sketch Mark Zuckerberg did the same as Jean killed 13 people to don't want to live in a world where millions of people are wasting their time... on something other than Facebook.
- Steve (the player/character) appears in this sketch, as Nojang96, which might be a reference to Mojang, the studio who made Minecraft
- The death screen says the score is &e0. This is referencing an infamous bug in the early versions of Minecraft, in which the score would be &e0.